Toddler
In my earliest memories, my father was the only adult male I knew. If I'm honest, I can't even tell you if I knew I was going to grow up, but he was the only male figure in my life.
"If" I thought about growing into a man I would have assumed I would be like my father.
A real man was the big man.
The Big Man
Child
As early as the age of six I had realized that not all adult males were men. Some were different. Some led. Some followed. Men were distinct in a group of males as the ones whom the other males looked to.
My image of these men was that they were the best. They were taller and stronger. They were more masculine. They were hairier. And for the longest time, my idea of what a real man was was Tom Selleck.
A real man was a manly man.
The Manly Man
Teenager
As I drifted into my teen years, the manly man image became more and more old fashioned, to the point of irrelevance. What I began to notice was that there were males that defined the trends others followed.
This could be seen in athletics, in fashion, and in business. More and more, a real man began to be defined by being successful. The moguls like Michael Jordan, Brad Pitt, and Donald Trump were the most successful in their field. Success made you sexy, got you ladies, earned you respect, and lots of money!
The real man was the sexy man.
The Sexy Man
College
In college I hit a crisis in manhood. I realized how shallow the prior definitions of manhood had been, but I had nothing to replace them with.
I knew I wanted to be a man. I knew it was a lofty goal. But I didn't know what a man was. And what's worse, I couldn't find a role model. Without an example of a man, I had no target to pursue.
I wrestled with this idea for four years in college. I would talk about it with friends, bring it up in philosophy class, and occasionally write about it. Finally, a new distinguishing factor between males became apparent. There were those who acted and those who didn't!
It made sense. There were those who were to afraid or unambitious to act on their dreams and those who grabbed their destiny by the horns. The makers were the ones who had forged the world I was currently living in...buildings, cultures, governments, businesses...all from those who had been doers.
This was my new target. To be part of males who acted when they saw a problem. A real man was a man of action.
Man of Action
Today
The man of action served a good framework for years. But there were questions that didn't make sense with this definition. Villains, murderers, and terrorists could be called men of action, is it that right? Could you be bad and still be a man? If God made man wouldn't he provide a definition?
Eventually, the nagging questions piled up and toppled the man of action. There just wasn't enough substance there. So, I was once again without direction.
That is until earlier this year when I had an epiphany...which is the subject of my next post found here.
Lessons Learned
As I look back at the different definitions over the course of my life I laugh. But I also think back to all of the energy and time dedicated to the pursuit of these incorrect ideas. And I'm not alone.
How much time, resources, and passion have been wasted by the boys of my generation?! All because we want for a compass to point us in the right direction.
How sad is it that there is not a clear "true north" for manliness in today's society?
How much could have been accomplished if the boys my age didn't wander blindly?
How big a travesty is it that our society can't point us to a hero of a man to be idealized?
And perhaps scariest of all, why isn't anyone else asking this?
I'm still exploring. I want answers. If you have an idea, please share it in the comments.
Keep pursuing,
